My brother emailed the first song I ever wrote, performed, and recorded after winning second place at my high school talent show. This was all done in my fathers living room. I was always very embarrassed of this until now. I can’t believe how much I’ve progressed from this point. There are so many parts in this song where you can tell I’m unsure of what I’m projecting and whether it’s really good or not. Confidence is a good friend to have.

My dad emailed this to me today. A painting he has done. I love the simplicity, colors, and the fact that it is a desert or beach of some sort. 

Cheers to the life I led to leave behind in practical debt of the heart and broken mind.

I am so beyond content with what has unfolded into my life right now. I woke up this morning from a bizarre dream of floating around a desert like area, somehow I knew water was near (represents rebirth in dream word) and finally towards the end instead of floating I was falling back onto the ground. In reality I would die from impact and this stood understood in my dream as well. The most significant part of it all was the power of something keeping me from falling. At one point I was on my back and looking down and finally surrendering to my death. At this point I felt the eerie sensation of satisfaction and peace and woke up instantly as I hit the ground. These dreams are very frequent for me but have not been present for a couple of months. I woke up elated that I finally conquered something through a dream. Everything around is waking up. I don’t know how long I will be in this state of excitement and community with Donnie and Brian through music but I know I will learn many important things from their patience, presence, and drive for making music. I have truly met my match. I have truly found what is in Portland for me.

Hello blogger kids, people I’ve directed here, or random Google searches, 2011 is here and already bumping. I spent the eve of 2011 drinking apple pie moonshine under a southern moon showing young children how to dance to the beat of Willow Smith’s “Whip Your Hair”, positively ringing it in without a fuss. First off, I am utterly excited to begin this year on a strong note of further development in terms of music. I had the chance to play some new material (and some karaoke) for my family in a small bar in the middle of nowhere on the first night of 2011. To my surprise they were enthused, entertained, and I can go out on a limb to say IMPRESSED. The progress in the past year with my music has been astounding. I myself, am sometimes inspired by how far I’ve come and how much further I must go. To think back on the first time I ever played for anyone publicly continues to humble me and push me. My freshmen year of high school I had dealt with many issues regarding assholes and constantly felt sad about my state of mind, AKA I was young and easily damaged. I remember waiting until the very last moment of our end of the year talent competition/show to actually sign up. I was nervous. To add to my mixed emotions, I experienced a major buzz kill the day of the show. I was sitting at lunch and a few lunch tables away I overheard a few individuals discussing and snickering at my last moment sign up, basically predicting how badly I would suck. I went home and reconsidered the possible embarrassment of really sucking. I never would play for anyone. The song I chose was painfully honest and revealing about the first person I ever really sincerely wanted to be with. The kind of song that discusses how badly you missed someone and wanted to just disappear due to their absence in your life and the complete asshole nature of their personality. So I sat in my closet and practiced until my fingers were callused and yellow. I will never forget the feeling of my (almost) entire high school staring at me as I explained I had no name for my song and began strumming away without ever looking into the faces of my peers. To my surprise I actually made a statement and received second place. Shortly after, I dropped out of high school and began playing with a band in a completely different state. I had earned a little self respect and motivation. The next time I ever found myself playing anywhere for anyone was on the streets of Nashville, busking. A group of young men felt sympathetic for this 16 year old kid with lipstick and no guitar case. They tipped me $20. With this money we bought dinner at Hooters and I confirmed I no longer wanted to be a waitress there. I guess you could say I knew I would find myself continuing my musical aspirations. The stories that unfold after just these two are very funny and embarrassing, yet important parts of my life. This is what shapes my mold. I may grow older each year and realize telling people I wanted to be a Hooter’s waitress was really tacky and ridiculous, but those are the little things and decisions that are bound to become. The part of my life that keeps me alive is the progress and decisions I make with music. The idea of The Green Wall Project and wanting to self promote everything I ever do without the extent of money keeps me grounded. I started everything simply by spending everything in my savings account to purchase a giant van and “tour” across the country, completely alone, no label, no managers, nothing but a companion, my guitar, and my dogs. My hopes and plans for 2011 is simply to continue  playing out live, recording in the same regards as I have aspired, and creating a group of people to share this journey with. As fate would have it, I know in my heart there is a new phase I’m about to enter that doesn’t include my sick twisting of romance and music but a group of women who project power and poise. A group of women who create music that makes you dance, cry, and sing. A group of women who cover the aspects of music that cannot be covered by one sole person. The idea of converting a musical collective into maybe just a rock band of chicks, at this time, seems the most appealing. For all I know I could spend the next year continuing solo and reflective on my own shit, but something tells me I’ll be enjoying the company of others in one way or another. Cheers!

Every day I drive home from work. I envision the rain from the sides of the streets being forced upon my windshield by my very own tires, discontinuing any view, and causing my vehicle to swerve against another. I imagine everything disappearing as I merge with the air that lacks salt. I exit this purgatory with nothing but a mild cold and a laugh that echoes against trees of which were designated for a strip of road where daily commuters such as myself cloud the sky with shit. I avoid the bridge. If I drive over a bridge, a new scenario of my van smacking loudly against the water with my body being jolted through the roof without my bones occurs. I admire death more than anything. It’s the only honest thing that can be. It’s the only event that can never lie to the one experiencing it. It could never misinform me. Truth of my matter is simply put. How strong can one be? I simply wish I were cowardly enough to mingle with these visions I day dream. I could never mingle. I walk against the streets avoiding any walk signals. I stare into stares from ones who truly communicate the most to me without words. I am patient. I am eager.

Any pictures I post on Tumblr are taken by me. I never repost someone else’s art unless noted.